Jokes

A woman woke up early one morning. She realized her husband missing from the bed, and glanced down at the clock and saw it was 3:05am. She wonders where the hell he was. Then she hears a noise from downstairs.
Going down, she finds her husband sitting in the kitchen, head in his hands. He is crying. She asks him if he was alright, and put her arm around him.
"Do you remember that night, on our third date, when we finally slept together?" he said.
'Of course i do' she said.
"And the next morning when your father - the judge - found out and told me I either married you or faced going to prison for ten years?"
'Yes'
"I would have been released today" he wept.

An 80-yr-old woman, in despair, decided to kill herself. She located a gun to commit the deed. She called her doctor to find out exactly where her heart was. He said, "Just under your left breast."

Three minutes later, 911 received a call: the elderly woman had shot herself in the left knee.

A woman goes to the doctors, to discuss getting a face lift.

"Oh, we have this great new technique now" says the Doctor, in a funny and non-stereotypical Irish accent (which doesn't actually work in text, but if you ever saw me performing this joke, would be fairly amusing and hopefully get you sniggering enough to make the punchline worth it).

"You do?" says the woman.

"To be sure!" says the Doc. "See, what we do now... Well, we don't actually yet, because no one has ever had it done. But the theory is sound on it. Anyway, I can install a small screw on the back of your head, hidden away under your hair. The idea is to prevent you needing a facelift ever again. See, as you get older the skin starts to sag once more, you'll want another one. However, with this, you simply give the screw a small turn and it tightens the skin up."

"Oh, brilliant" says the woman, and has it done.

"But don't over use it" warns the Doctor.

A few weeks later, she's looking in the mirror and thinks she spots a wrinkle, so gives the screw a small turn.

6 years later, the woman returns to the doctors.

"Doctor, i need to talk to you about these lumps under my eyes" she says. He examines her.

"Tell me, have you been using the screw a lot?"

"No, not much at all. Maybe a turn a week or so."

"Dear God!" he cries "Those aren't lumps! They're your tits!"

"Ohhhh" she says. "Does that explain the goatee too?"

These are so funny. Love 'em! Now I have to find some of my own..

There's this guy on at bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Seeing him so morose, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver begins to have a little a pity and says, "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and arrived late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home. Just after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards on the back seat. But the cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"

These two red necks are out for a walk in the woods, when one of them stumbles into a bear trap. It grips him, he screams then falls to the ground unconscious. His friend panics, and after a few minutes he finally picks up his phone and dials for help.
"911 emergency. What's the nature of the problem?"
"I.. I.. I need some medical attention help please" he stumbles
"Please hold." There is a click then a new voice comes on. "Hello. What is the matter?"
"We was out for a walk in these woods and ma mate has got caught in a bear trap, and I think he's dead!"
"Ok sir. i can help you out. First of all, can you check to see if he is dead."
"Ok hold on."
There is the sound of the phone being put down, then a shotgun is fired.
"Ok I done that. Now what do i do?"

Two more red necks are walking down the street when one has a heart attack and collapses. The other picks up the phone and calls for help.
"You gotta help me, ma mate just had a heart attack on me and he's collapsed."
"Ok sir, I can send an ambulance to you. Where are you?"
"Er... I'm on Chrysanthemum Drive."
"Where sir?"
"Chrysanthemum Drive."
"Sorry sir, this is a bad line. Can you please spell it."
"Sure. C.. R... er....I...S....A.... No.. wait... C... R...... Y.....Er no.. Can you hang on a moment."
"Certainly sir."

The telephone operator hears a lot of grunting, and sounds of scrapping. Finally the man comes back on the line.
"We're on 5th."